Another Must-Read Parenting Book

A couple of months ago I put a fair bit of research into my awesome list of favorite discipline/parenting books, and in the course of putting it together came up with a few more books to check out.  A couple weren't so great, but one has totally changed the way I relate to my middle child.

Seriously.  Initially, I picked this book up because I just didn't believe that I could "Have a New Kid by Friday."  I was so wrong.

With our oldest (daughter), Love and Logic worked so perfectly that I couldn't see a need for anything else and just assumed that every kid would respond well to the reasoning and such that this method recommends.  Our son quickly showed us that we were way off base.  He would become so mad/frustrated/embarrassed that he didn't seem to be listening to our "reasoning" and we would drone on about this and that before "disciplining" him.  The fit would continue, power struggle would ensue, and our mediocre parenting would immediately bite us in the butt.  Big fail.  By the time he was three he was pretty much in control (although we still presumed ourselves to be).  Double fail. 

Have a New Kid by Friday puts in to practice some very Love and Logic-like principles (like natural consequences), but adds a few simple rules (which is EXACTLY what I need--rules to follow!) such as my new favorite:

Say it once, turn your back, and walk away.

One of the problems we were having was that we just didn't think that he got what we were saying so we would explain it thirty ways from Sunday, allowing the struggle to continue and the fit to escalate.  By following this rule you take the wind out of his sails and regain control. 

There are a few more simple guidelines in the first few chapters of the book (each of which has been highly effective and left me feeling so much calmer and more in control as a parent), but the real meat is the second two-thirds.  Dr Leman covers every conceivable topic, from bedwetting (don't make it a big deal, be mildly sympathetic, clean up and move on) and grocery shopping (don't offer treats as a reward for good behavior...of which I'm hugely guilty) to temper tantrums (yup, say it once, turn your back, and walk away) and whining (remove the offender to a place where he/she can whine without bothering you) with simple, easy to implement guidelines. 

Since we started, Scout has become infinitely more polite (most requests now begin with 'excuse me' and include 'please' and 'when you're done'...I never thought that we could get that far in such a short amount of time), kinder to his sisters ('I'm sorry, are you okay?') and has nearly quit making his ugly 'I'm mad at you' face at me.  Thank goodness. 

What's your favorite parenting rule of thumb?  Now that I've mastered "say it once, turn your back, and walk away" I'm ready to add to my repertoire :)

Let Them Serve Themselves

Marie at Make and Takes posted last week about ways that she encourages independence in her kids.  I'll admit that I sometimes have to let go of my clean-house-hangups, but I try to give my little ones age-appropriate opportunities to serve themselves rather than continuing to depend on me for, well, everything!  As they've gotten older and had practice with the tasks I provide we've had fewer messes, less spillage, and, honestly, a bit less work for me!  A few of my favorites:

• I keep a portion of milk in pint-sized plastic bottle that the kids can easily get out of the fridge themselves.  They can pour a cup or add it to cereal without risk of spilling (too much).
• Our set of condiment cups has come in handy for allowing the kids to serve themselves, well, condiments!  Enough brown sugar or raisins fits perfectly and the children can add it to their oatmeal without contaminating the entire jar.  They're also handy for enough peanut butter to spread on crackers, or ketchup for a few fries. 
• Daisy loves to help in the kitchen and I give her whatever tasks she can handle.  She uses her little chopper to help cut veggies for stew or fruit for salad, and is great at measuring.  It may not all make it in the bowl, but in another couple of years she'll be well-prepared to cook with just a bit of supervision. 
• We all have jobs in the house, and each 'older' child is responsible for putting the childrens' dishes away, putting their own dishes in the sink after meals, and bringing their laundry basket to the laundry area.  Oh, and they love to clean the toilet (it's right at their level!). 
  

How do you encourage your children's independence?  Do you have specific chores that they're required to help with?  (I can always use a bit more help around the house :)

Creative Discipline 103: The Button Jar

So, after reading all those great books and setting out some good rules with varying levels of success, nothing seemed to work with the very different personalities of my two oldest children (now 6 and 3 1/2) until we stumbled upon the button jar. This is the crux of discipline in our house.

The idea is simple. Fill a jar with many of something (I liked the buttons since I could buy a big bag of pretty, colorful ones at Hobby Lobby for a few bucks, but marbles, coins, popsicle sticks, anything small will work) and provide an empty cup or jar for each child. Set out the rules, then put a button in their cup whey you think they deserve it and remove one when they don't live up to your expectations (or, in the case of our 3 1/2 year old son, defy them outright). When a specific quantity of buttons is reached, a reward is earned. (The reward could be something simple like a trip for ice cream or to the zoo, or a large toy, depending on the motivation that your kid needs and what his/her interests are; the boy is expecting a pirate ship, our daughter would like ice skating).

Clearly, the assignment of buttons is somewhat arbitrary, but we go through periods where one child is being too rough with the baby so they are warned that when they are rough with her they are choosing to lose a button (see? they're in control, reducing the parent-child power struggle and making them accountable for their actions), but when they play nicely and follow the rules for quiet time they get a button. I'll also give out buttons when someone goes out of their way to help a sibling clean up a mess they didn't make, or asks to help empty the dishwasher (these things happen a lot more often since the button jar came along), etc. Failing to follow a rule (e.g. screaming for me from one end of the house or getting up before 6:30) loses a button. I can see this working until at least 12-13 years, although I'm expecting that the payout will be a bit bigger by then!

What do you do to keep your children in line?

Creative Discipline 102: House Rules

Once I filled my head with all these great disciplinary ideas, I realized that I had to set out a concise set of rules for the kids to follow. I sat down a wrote out a (very long) list of things that I thought were particularly important. Here's a small portion of that list: (image via bolsa bonita)

• No jumping/climbing on the furniture.
• No spitting.
• No calling names.
• No touching/playing with someone's else's special things.
• No screaming.
• Crying is okay.
• No ruining what someone else is working on.
• Be quiet during the baby's nap.
• Don't leave a mess.
• No laying on the floor and throwing a fit.
• Listen to and mind what mommy and daddy tell you to do.
  
• Put your dishes in the sink after you eat.
• Put the toilet lid down so the baby doesn't splash around in the potty.
• No going outside without asking.
• No whining.

Clearly, no kid was going to remember all these rules, let alone follow them. I also didn't like that they all felt very negative. I try to speak to the children with a lot of "I statements" (I need you to stop yelling, I need you to get your feet off the couch, etc), and this was a lot of "NO!" which I already knew that they don't respond well to.

I managed to narrow all of this down to four rules that encompass all of the important ideas:

1. No throwing a fit. If you throw a fit, go to your room until you feel better.
2. Respect our things and each other.
3. Use pleasant inside voices to speak nicely.
4. Be a listener.

Much of whats important falls under rule #2 (no spitting, no touching someone's special things, no name calling) or rule #3 (no screaming, be quiet during naptime, no whining), and #1 and #4 round out good behavior. Further, they are extremely easy rules for me to follow. I could do beter at listening, and I do occasionally throw a bit of a fit (and I loooove to go to my room until I feel better). We keep the rules posted in the kitchen (with pictures for our non-readers), and refer to them when a consequence is imposed ("We are respectful with one another. Sitting on your sister's head is not respectful.")

I couldn't live without my rule #4. What's the most important rule in your house? Any that I need to add to my list?

Keeping Your Sanity when Your Spouse is Out of Town

My evening duties are pretty light around the Kiddio house--we eat dinner, I clean the kitchen up while Daddio plays with the little ones, then he gets the two older ones to bed while I take care of the easy one baby. 

Most of the time.

Like a lot of husbands and wives, though, dear Daddio has the occasional business trip or works late, meaning the evening duties fall to me at the end of an already tiring day (and take so long that they really cut into my evening quiet time!).  Through the summer these trips went from short and occasional to long and frequent, making me an authority on keeping the household together while the spouse is gone.  Here are some ideas to keep you going when you're flying solo!  (image via eyetwist)

• Don't cook: Sure, I love putting a nice dinner on the table when Daddio's there to enjoy it with me, but when he's gone I draw from my list of 'kids-eat-free or cheap' restaurants.  This saves the effort and frustration of cooking dinner with the kids, not to mention the need to clean the kitchen after dinner.  Better yet, find a friend who'll go out with you and keep you company while the kids entertain each other.  Best of all, pick someplace far away to burn off a little time as you drive!

• Plan an afternoon out: When Daddio's coming home for dinner we really need to be home by 4:30.  When he's not coming home our priorities change!  There's plenty of time for a late-afternoon trip to the museum, errands I need to run, a playdate at the park with friends (at least when it's not getting cold and dark by 5!) and a stop for a fun, cheap dinner.  It wears everyone out enough that bedtime's a snap. 

• Yay for Movie Night! I avoid letting the kids watch more than a little TV every day because it leaves them all wound up and bickering (not worth the break), but a late afternoon-evening movie night complete with an fun, easy dinner (pb&j, frozen pizza, mac&cheese from a box) and popcorn becomes an event that takes up the whole evening. 

• Spend extra time putting the kids to bed...early:  Our kids are usually in bed by 7:30 or 8.  When Daddio's gone I've been known to move that up by an hour or more, drawing it out with extra books, a long bath, etc.  They're usually so wound down that they're ready to go to sleep extra early, giving me a few more minutes of peace and quiet in the evening.  

• Take it easy on yourself:  Single parents do more than anyone gives them credit for.  Get to bed early, don't make yourself do more than you have to, and know that he'll be back in no time!

What do you do to keep it together when you're on your own?

Booklist: Reading Up on the Secret Lives of Boys

As a female Developmental Psychologist, I heard and read a lot about the specific socio-emotional and academic needs of girls, how we were being marginalized out of math and the hard sciences, and how our self-esteem was being diminished by a global patriarchy.  Only in the past seven or eight years does it feel like the needs of boys are being addressed significantly, and only more recently than that does it feel like the discussion is acknowledging that boys and girls are different but equally in need of accommodation.  It's not as though one gender is dysfunctional in relation to the other (some boys may be energetic, but does that make them troublemakers?  some girls may naturally be more interested in language, but does this make them bad at math?  and does this have to apply to all boys?), it's just that we must understand them for what they are and appreciate each child's individuality.

In any event, I feel like I have much better insight into where my daughters are coming from than my son after reading these books.  A little chat with my husband (sorry Dad, I haven't gotten to talk to you yet!) revealed that I truly don't get it, but I feel like if I want to be the conscoius parent that I regard myself as I really need to get a better idea of what's going on behind my son's alternately charming smile and grouchy scowl.  I'll get to girls soon, but here's a list of books that I've really found to be worthwhile.  Each of these books is provides a unique perspective on learning and socio-emotional development, and what we as parents can do to raise our boys to be happy, successful men.

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys:  This book is a great place to start. The authors really illuminate what life as a boy is truly like with plenty of anecdotes about how boys are indoctrinated into male culture, what role the educational system and its methods play in shaping a boy, a great discussion of relationships between boys and their parents, and lots of concrete ideas about how to raise an emotionally whole boy from birth to early adulthood.  Absolutely eye-opening.

Real Boys' Voices: A stunning companion to Raising Cain, this book is a window into the minds of boys and young men.  In their own words they share intimate stories of how societal pressures lead boys into drug use, early sexual behavior, sublimating their emotions, and putting on a mask of toughness.  At times so raw it's tough to read, it gives tremendous insight into what's going on in their heads and how our reactions and opinions fuel this behaviors.  Also provides lots of suggestions to help parents become accessible, trusted allies to their adolescent boys.

Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different - And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men:  Raising Boys is less about anecdotes and stories than providing approaches to help you raise your boy to be the best he can be.  The author maps out parenting strategies by age, starting at birth and extending through early adulthood, and discusses the role that testosterone and brain development play in boys' behavior and in shaping their needs.  It's a relatively fun, easy read and provides great ideas that you can apply immediately.

The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life:  While the earlier books focus mainly on emotional development, The Minds of Boys is an awesome peek inside how our educational system is at odds with the personalities and needs of many boys leading to low performance and disciplinary issues.  Starting with infancy, the author offers great advice on how parents and teachers can play to boys' unique strengths through play and setting up activities in boy-friendly ways--without putting girls at a disadvantage.  This book significantly influenced the educational choices we've made, and if you have or will be sending a boy to school I highly recommend it!

It's a Boy: Women Writers on Raising Sons: I so enjoyed the essays in this book.  They're short (since my time always seems to be in demand!) and insightful, leaving me with something to think about and mull over for the rest of the day.  The stories touch on a range of ages, leaving you reminiscing about when your kids where younger, relating to moms who are sharing your experience, and thinking about what's down the road.

What have you found works for your boys?  Do you find that they're different from the girls in your life and need special accommodation or is this 'boy crisis' just an idea pushed by the media?  Are there other books, articles, or resources that you love?

dealing with medical fears and trauma

Luckybeans has a great post today about helping her son deal with routine doctors' visits following traumatic medical care. Her ideas were really spot on, and I wanted to share this with others who might have the same issues with their children and the doctor (or dentist?). You might click around her blog while you're there...it's quite lovely!

keeping up

I really mean to have a baby book, or a journal, or something to keep track of all the milestones, ticket stubs, and cute things the kids say, but I'm awful at keeping up. I am absolutely notorious for never finishing most things that I start. I've tried a baby book and journal (Josie), a first-year calendar (Jasper, oops I bought it and never filled it in, so I used it for Adelaide), and a blog (all three). The blog was the most successful, but even that was hard for me to keep up with. Finally, finally, I've hit upon the solution. I think I read the suggestion in Wondertime Magazine, but I'm not quite sure where I found it. A few months ago I bought three notebooks. Nothing fancy (since I plan to fill them up quickly), just single-subject, college ruled spiral notebooks from the office store. I considered composition books, since I love those and you can label the spine, but they won't stay open to a page, and I really needed this to be a single-step process so I can follow through. Blue for Jasper, Purple is Adelaide, Josie gets Red.

I could certainly do better, but I'm so pleased with how well I've been keeping up. At least once a week, usually more, I can grab a notebook and jot down what one kid did or said. Nothing fancy, sometimes just a sentence, sometimes more. Last week I pasted in tickets from a play we went to see, this week it'll be ticket stubs from the art museum and I'll have the big kids draw a picture recalling our visit.

I won't share the contents with them until they're much older, at which point I hope to have a pile of these notebooks filled with random bits from my husband and I for them to read through and see through the lens of adulthood. I truly wonder what they will think of their child selves and the memories we share in the journals. Only time will tell...

Anyway, here's an excerpt from Adelaide's entry for today:

4/21- You love pickles! You watched intently as I ate my burger on Saturday, opening your mouth a little bit every time it went by your face. About the time I picked up my dill spear you were fed up and wrenched it out of my hands with both of yours. You gummed all of the pickle flesh off of both ends before going through one end of Grandma's. You were so pleased with yourself, and delighted to have something to eat at the dinner table! So, we can add it to your list of solid foods: avocado, yam....pickle!
love, mama